i went on a brief shopping trip with my mom yesterday and bought the most mismatched, but most comfiest pair of pajama leggings and shirt that i could find.
i needed to treat myself. ( i understand how sad this sounds!)
i wore them today until about...ummm...3pm.
i showered, went to my meeting and came home to put them directly back on.
i've eaten a few small meals, but mostly snacks with them on.
coffee...(that counts as meal a right?) and smoked almonds.
i've slept (yes slept into well past 9:30 or wa sit 10:30???...i was up until 2am editing!) i did edited, had a meeting, and then had a a dinner of almonds -smoked.
i just looked down...(to my every growing un-bra'ed chest) - sorry people...i'm raw.
it looked like i was a nursing home patient in need of a bib!!!
what the wha wha????
again, no disrespect.
i've just lived through loving and losing a man who lost his dignity to a degree...
what is my excuse?
ok, yes all of them.
my new mismatched jammies get thrown into the wash tomorrow.
but until then, my mind has been swirling.
i'm not sure i have a lot to say, but i have alot that i have observed:
love speaks silently.
not with looks touches or words...but with actions.
actions and pre-meditated thoughts of covering your spouse with care and love, even right before your "i do's" are muttered.
love speaks with preserved intimacy.
asking others to leave in last moments of life..to be alone with your love...your spouse...
looking intensely and searching into your mate's eyes for understanding and reassurance....in last moments.
not taking your last breath until it is best (because you love her and know what is best for her), until she has momentarily stepped away from your bedside....
committing two families to be one...forever...and trusting those you love most to fulfill those wishes.
speaking i love you's and wisdom to those you love most...even when it is dang stinking hard...
so truth... does not be left unsaid.
and neither does living again...after the viewing, burial and days to come after....
all of this is silent love. silent, but STRONG, and truthful love.
this kind of love, forgive me, SUCKS like H. E. double hockey sticks (as my beloved 7th & 8th grade history teacher, Mr. Kim Gallagher shared with us).
walking into a house without HIM there...makes me weep.
thinking of how i loved him...makes me bawl.
seeing things that would have hurt his feelings or pride, makes me wince, try, and yes, again...cry.
but seeing my strong momma...
spending time with her,
hearing her wisdom,
sharing her pain,
trying to work out these feelings..
working on solutions,
introducing her back into LIFE, not caring for someone, except Jesus, to BRING life...
it is NEW...
a bit happy...
and yes, joy is found there - here.
my comfy pajama top, embarrassing, i'm still wearing, is still not looking like ME.
but it will wash.
my heart is still struggling, not feeling like me, but it will strengthen and grow...
and even in these worst of times, i feel strength and hope.
i KNOW, only given from my heavenly father...
yes, life will find New again..hope, joy, trust and love.
it's just a matter of hanging in there...
"But blessed is the man who trusts God, the woman who sticks with God. They're like trees planted in Eden, putting down roots near the rivers - Never a worry through the hottest of summers, never dropping a leaf, Serene and calm through droughts, bearing fresh fruit every season. " _Jeremiah 17:7-8