i knew that i would feel when it was a time to speak.
for i spoke so much in the darkest places of my life, that when light came, i found it difficult to mutter a word.
i remember telling someone close to me about why i was speaking in the pain i was going through.
i was explaining that i am so transparent, that i felt had to explain where i was in my life.
hiding, looking different. not speaking. the tears. so so many tears.
i also remember explaining that if i spoke truthfulness in my pain, then others would see the truthfulness in my joy.
i KNEW the joy would come again.
not because i necessarily believed it myself, but because many people close to me, prayed and believed it for me.
in complete raw honesty, for over a year…i was completely gone.
weeks, months, erased.
looking back i think the whole sadness was emerging for about 3 years, but for the last year or more, it was PRESENT. all the time.
i can’t explain all the pain.
why, what or where it came from.
of course, i know a lot of what it was, now.
but overall looking back, it was a multitude of circumstances, trials and relationships.
i could go on to explain a lot of them, but truly, it is not necessary.
however, i will highlight the most important.
i lost 2 fathers to cancer within ten years.
2 very different fathers…who loved me very differently, in their own ways.
but the latest loss, included the pain of watching my mom, and my own children and siblings (extended), be hurt as well.
let me tell you this…
you can have all the Jesus you can have.
loss still hurts beyond hurt.
it’s what you learn and do with it, is what is most important.
age and profession.
this is big.
i’m 43 now…
my children no longer NEED me (for bathing, food, care in and out of the day)…
it changes things.
besides transportation, they can fend for their own.
not that my love and guidance isn’t extremely important, but your focus as a parent changes…
this is huge.
i had come to a point in my life that the only thing i felt “good” for, was my work.
and when i became hurt by people who i thought loved my work…when my work, became more like shopping than an experience and viewpoint i would give to people, i became lost.
lost and unworthy.
in addition, all of this caused family issues…to say the least.
my world in all areas - it was falling apart.
a dear client who became a friend, saw my state.
she begged me to be admitted for help.
after weeks in bed, unable to exist, my husband also urged me.
i sought counsel in a very, very dear man, who had known me over 20 years ago, again in a place of life that i was lost in.
he so gently, cautiously, and with godly wisdom, helped to lead me out of the black hole that i never knew could be so deep or enveloping.
a year later…
losses, gains, reflections and realities have been presented to my life.
my friends, it has been the most difficult time that i have ever endured.
it was such hard work!
not for any glory of my own, but to be real, i want to send the message that getting better, it just does not happen.
changes, reflection, and work must happen for it to occur.
can i profess humbly but proudly that i have applied these to my life?
YES! and FINALLY, today, i am changed!
i smile…from my heart.
i smile with joy.
i cry…even more than ever before.
but i cry with empathy, understanding and gratefulness that words cannot dare to express.
i mourn and grieve, because losing people you love SUCKS.
and it hurts, and its takes time to get through it, understand it, and to come to terms with it.
and i rejoice…maybe a bit early…
for there is so much more work to do…
but the joy i have been given back, i cannot hold back the rejoicing it brings to my soul.
and the joy gives me strength to continue on.
i look differently.
where in my 20’s grief took me to the extreme skinny stage (oh a plus in the suffering! :)), in my 40’s, i battle a bad thyroid and am puffy, heavier than i have ever been before (seriously Jesus…couldn’t you have given me skinny in all of this??)) :)
i hate it.
but i will work the outside now to change too.
through this time, i have spoken, reacted and acted differently.
to be truthful, even with the pain, i believe it has been the most honest time of my life…
seeing people and relationships for what they truly are, not for what i wanted or pretend them to be.
i get it.
i cannot get the time back with my kids or family (or business!), that my sadness kept me, from being present.
or when it kept me from being the person i always was or tried to be.
the times i couldn’t listen. the times that i could not be there.
i cannot get it back.
i regret that, but not for long.
because i have a chance now to here - all of me.
today marks 17 years married to the man that kissed my hand and forehead before he would ever kiss my lips.
the day i said "i do" to the man who had prayed for me to be his wife.
it marks the day that i said “i do” to a life that held so much prosperity and promise.
it is the day that i kissed my husband in front of friends and family, in the home that we reside in today, and that i knew that my life would never be the same.
it sure hasn’t been!
but today also marks the day that i can say...
“i’m back. i am better. i am loved. and i have so so much to offer to this world, that it better watch out.”
my motto for 25 years has been…”Lord, never let my my pain be lost in vain.”
friends, it hasn’t.
this girl is back.
she is blessed.
and she is grateful.
happy anniversary charlie.
happy thanksgiving my dear friends.
and thank you to my Jesus, my Lord, provider and restorer of all things.
Blessed be His name.