the tears are too thick in my eyes...a father

a confessional?  a prayer?  i do not know.    it's only my heart. 

i don't hide my feelings or emotions well at all. 

 you can tell immediately by looking at my face, and my posture...what is churning inside my soul at the very moment.  the past few years...where oh where is my smile?

i  cry.  i cry a lot. 

when i'm happy, blessed, sad, angry...tears flow for it all.  

i talk. and i write.

it usually does not take much for me to share my soul with you...if i feel i should.  i won't ramble my thoughts (or dirt for that matter!) to anyone or everyone.  but if i feel to share, i will.

i'm not proud.

i will release my faults and failures with little hesitation.  i hate not succeeding at something, even though it is my own blame if i don't.  

i carry huge burdens. and it affects me. this is the one thing that i desire, plead with God, want to change.  the way people hurt, strikes my soul so deeply that often the pain that i feel, it paralyzes me. i hate this i hate this i hate this. know why?  because other's pain intercepts to the life that i live.  i try to carry the pain for others through the way that i hurt.                                                                                      

i'll stop with my self proclamations now because this post isn't about what i am or what i do.

it is supposed to be about all of my mind rattlings and  in what i have witnessed in a life preparing to leave.  

it's been 10 years since my daddy went to heaven.

how does that happen?  10 years... flies by my eyes and my heart in a swoosh.  

10 years since i saw his smile and since he kissed my hand.  

10 years since he whispered his pride for me and his love. 

10 years, this past december 6th.  

DECEMBER 6th. 

the life i knew and had lived for 32 years, ceased existing... only to live a life now without my daddy.  life would never and will never be the same. 

but december 6th changed other's lives that day.  lives that i had no idea how would intersect with mine.  

my family had known bill and fran kunisky for years.  we attended the same church and fran was the "attendance lady" at DAHS.  bill worked for the city of dubois, and was a well known volunteer fireman in our town.  my in laws had been great friends with the kunisky's.  

on the same december 6th that my own daddy passed away, bill's wife fran passed away as well.  

two families...

a few years later...

my mom, over the years has held a multitude of ailments.  her and my daddy had divorced in 1992, and she was a single mother and woman.   during a serious illness, after bill had lost his first wife fran, bill simply looked at my mom and loved her.  a hospital bed, pain medicines, and a wheelchair...they fell away as he decided to step in and boldly love her. 

and boldly love her he did.  

he married her... only weeks after he set his heart to love.  

i'll never forget the moment he told us, and our mouths dropped open for what seemed like days. her children didn't even know they were DATING!  

but bill knew what was right in his heart.  he loved her.  

again, love her he did. 

over the course of 8 years, we have watched bill love my mom like a woman would dream to be loved.  his hand steadily on her back, rubbing it with assurance, ALWAYS.  protection, strength and love

his heart giving to her.

letting her redecorate his home with her style.  bill's taste is simplicity.  my mom's taste is not.  but my mom's cares and needs come first.  bill loves his much larger and redecorated home.  :)

bill adores my mom's cooking. 

his favorite foods now...all the ones my mom makes. 

my mom loves to shop.

bill is more than content driving her to shop, and patiently, waiting for her, even in the car.

my mom loves to host friends and family. 

bill loves to help her prepare for them and tend to their every care.  

my mom is a neat freak.  bill is more. :)  they compliment each other well.  

after more than a few years of caring for my mom and her recoveries from surgeries, and illness, bill got sick.  

cancer.

as everything else, they fought it together.  simply, quietly and with faith.

this year.  so much worse. 

it's sickening.  

but still.  bill's hand on my mom's back,  back and forth back and forth.

but still.  babies born, holidays celebrated.  get togethers at mom and bill's.  bill sits in his chair...quietly. 

you know, there is so so much to learn from one who is dying.  

there are things to see in dying that you don't get to see in living.  

but maybe...maybe it's only my perspective.  

because i've been here before with my daddy.  

this was the first time i got to witness a feat such as this...  

lately, all i can do, is see...the living. 

love.  

quiet.  steadfast.  supportive.  

-a strong quiet man.  bill would move heaven and earth to see my mom's happiness. 

caring. loving. seeing.  

-my mom's needs, cares, and wants come before bill's own.   i am 100% certain that bill is grateful that this is him in the sick bed, rather than my mom.  but i am 100% certain that knowing she is pained deeply, grieves him beyond what he can express. 

giving.  believing. preparing.  

if i could write the things that my mom and bill have given...i could not.  simply because the tears are too thick in my eyes.                                                                                                                                     for years.  the deepest needs their children could have...they have been quietly served and meet.  each time they do, it brings me to my knees.  what they give to me and my family...humbles me...grieves me...uplifts me.  and i am only one of their children. 

believing.  watch bill and my mom live out their faith.  grateful hearts overflowing.  steady hearts trusting.  wounded hearts, trusting.

i've had the honor to watch bill prepare to have my mom taken care of.

a new addition to the home.  a new roof on the house.  whatever may happen in the future.  maintenance, care, love...anticitpating the needs she may have when he can no longer fulfill them. ...it is honorable...humbling...i don't have any more words.

as a child, to see this done for your mother...no words

the past few months have been really bad for bill. 

one rarely survives from being septic or from e-coli.  bill has.  too many times.  

yesterday was the worst.  

the worst operation.  (over 11 hours).

the worst findings. 

what they found in our bill, seems obscene to me. the level that cancer has invaded his body, to the lining of his precious heart...it was- is sickening. his lungs.  the breath that keeps him going.  strong...steadfast.  

his heart... so quiet, strong, vulnerable, precious....rarely seen.  what they did to prolong his life, I'm grateful for.  i think...

what he is experiencing today, what they revealed they found today...i need to be sick.  

our bill.  

i had...and i will forever have, my own very special daddy.  love love love.  talk talk talk.  emotion emotion emotion.  fun fun fun.  my childhood.  my young adulthood.  my memories. more than any words....near perfection!...love love love...

but bill...i will forever have as a father.  drop the -step.

present. steady. giving.  very very few words.  

actions that speak louder than anything he could say.  over and over and over.  

 

it "undoes" me.  oh DANG IT.  

it's always back to me.  

all i described myself as in the beginning.  

it's what i am.  

i'm a mess.  i don't think i'm a HOT mess....(wait, does hot mess mean you are hot and a mess or that you are a steaming pile of crap mess?....if crap-mess is the mess, then i most certainly am a hot mess.)

i'm crying.  sleeping.  hurting for me and everyone else, withdrawing... and am really stinking at everything i should be being "good" at.  

it's not just bill.  

it's been life...continually...for years.  and NOW bill. 

a sinkhole.  

praying, then logging into fb today, i see a video by natalie grant (not to be confused with my  amy grant:)).  

i listened. 

i wept. 

i confessed this.  

and i'm trying.  deeply. wholeheartedly, i am trying to release to THIS.  

...and bill. certainly, with tubes, medicine, doctors, prayers and yes cancer...he LIVES.  

and I get to witness all of this.  

and i pray.  with questions, but with resolve.  with heartache but with hands opened wide as the tears, and the crumblings of the things i have let the last few years steal from me slip through my shaking fingers.  

i keep trying to cry, write, and carry all that inflicts me and the people that i love.  but it's not mine.  and it's not what i was designed to do.  

strong bill.  quiet, deep, steadfast, loving bill.  an example for all, and i see it clearly in this "living" he is in right now.  he's done what he promised to do.  he's been what he set in his heart with jesus to be.  and even through these tears...i can see he and my mom as they keep their eyes on the king.    

 "King of the World"

I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely inbetween the lines
I try to put you in the box that I've designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye

Just a whisper of your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When you're the one who made me from the dust

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world