it's almost here…and i've never felt like this in my entire life.
even though, while growing up, my birthday was always celebrated wonderfully. but to me, my birthday has never been a big deal…any kind of an issue.
but this year - it's different.
why does that resonate so strongly with me?
i've forever wanted to be an adult...
even as a child, i didn't want to be a child…i wanted an adult life...
i talked, acted, played, prayed and lived like an adult.
my cousin brother texted me the other night…"tomorrow is the month that you turn 40!!"
i replied…"it's so weird! did it feel weird for you to turn 40?"
he sd, "i think it's the first time i realized that i really was an adult."
bc there are PLENTY of times i knew i was adult before now.
like when i delivered my firstborn, and realized that my body no longer belonged to me the way i thought it did...
or when they placed me in the helicopter, not knowing if our 2nd child would live...
or when london was born and screamed day and night with her acid reflux...
or in the after years of 911 when charlie was traveling with work, and i was at home alone with 2 babies, and got pregnant AGAIN with another baby…ON THE PILL...and i thought terrorist were going to run down our street and capture us while my husband was in the highest level of a terror alert...away from us…(can we say hormones?)
or when my 3rd pregnancy turned to another diagnosis that left questions to the fate of another child even once more….
or when my dad got sick…and stayed with us...
and he died and i had to tell my siblings…and then my kids...
i mean…surely i felt like an adult then!?
but the more i thought about it, the more i thought, maybe he was right in that statement. for even though i had always wanted to live an adult life, i have always carried the simple faith and the impressionable heart of a little girl….
so, i sit...
and i ponder on the the past year that has led me to this point of "adulthood."
and i recall the song my friend, marielle, sang in church today (oceans, by hill song)
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
looking back over times, i see that the times that left me with the least amount of control in my life, should have been the times that i MOST felt like an adult.
and another thought...
today, i reflect. in a sense i feel this year that i have died, and have been brought back to life...
every last thing that i felt i had a right to hold onto in my life, i ended up having to turn over and to give to God.
a true story….
a few weeks back, i was spending some quite time alone at walnut creek in erie, the first day of my shooting there. i had 2 hours to myself before shooting started. the day was beautiful.
i had my journal with me, and in it, a piece of red licorice that had made it's way into it in my bag at the beach. i had used my journal many times since then,but for some reason or another, had just left the licorice there. this day…with the water pounding against the jetty that i sat high up on, i took the licorice, and broke it into about 6 pieces…and i began to toss the pieces into the lake. i didn't drop them, i tossed them…trying to throw the next farther than the other. and as i flung that red licorice, i found a prayer on my lips...
"God, i don't know what i need to hear from you, but i feel it's something. will you speak to me? will you allow me to hear your voice so i know that it is you, and will you tell my heart what you know it needs to hear from you?"
and i laid back on my camera bag. about 20 feet up off of the water. the waves crashing against the jetty sounded like the ocean. it was july, but not hot at all…not cold…just perfect. and i rested in peace, alone in my thoughts, and sometimes in prayer. about 40 minutes later, i sat up. putting my sunglasses back on, i reacquainted myself with my surroundings…i looked down to the beach beneath me, and the water that was hitting the sand…and i saw a piece of the red licorice! wha?? what? i had thrown that piece of licorice out, in front of me…way into the water, and there it was being washed back in with a wave….it hit the sand, and got pulled back out with the undercurrent…and again, it washed back up onto the sand….
and i myself, was washed over with such peace and maybe assurance? or a "knowing?"
i felt HIS voice on my heart and all over my body…."every thing that you give to me, i will bring back to you…every single thing…"
oh my gosh!!!! i couldn't believe i had heard it like this, and i began seeing it in front of me...
every thing that i felt had been precious to me, i had relinquished over to Him, and yes, i was beginning to see it all come back to me. ...my marriage, my business, my ministry, my calling, my talents, relationships, time….
i came home from erie different…not even renewed, but almost reborn...
and i'm here….
maybe turning 40 and all that has led to this point, now leaves me at a place that i can live in statements and not questions. that i can grasp the certainty i feel deep in my soul, but have let insecurities rob me of living through...
maybe turning 40 is a time to let the "maybes" go...
it is a time that i will look at the experiences that i have lived in my life, and let them meet His word that i continually learn and let live in my heart.
it is a time that i will walk into with certainty, even in the times that i feel most helpless.
the faith i have lived has not failed me. the faith i have lived has blessed me…yes, even in the the hardest times…the times, that looking back over, i see are the ones that left me with the least amount of control in my life…THOSE are the days that He embraced my naive heart and molded it for…yes, i believe today.
40 is nearly here and "adulthood" starts in a way i'm anxious to see and experience it.
i have lived to have the:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
and that my friends, is for eternity…no age defined.