when there is nothing left to say...

every single time he would call, he would ask about the weather here in pa..

"it's raining dad, it's snowing dad, it's hot dad…"

his reply, "it's a beautiful day in bentonville arkansas!"

i'm sure it was what we would all want to reply….

"BLAH!  we don't care it's nice there…we want you here!"

so this is where i start...

i was in bentonville arkasnas… and yes, it was a beautiful day (blah!)...

my dad's brain cancer had escalated further.  he wanted alone time with me.  i flew to visit him for a week.  we spent our days talking, resting, visiting….

one day in particular, my dad was outside on his patio.  

i had just entered the living room which had a view outside from the sliding glass doors.  i could see my dad, his hands waving in the air.

he was looking a the sky, and he looked like he was talking.

my dad had stage 4 brain cancer.  there were times we caught glimpses of him that honestly, we had to question.

i slid open the door..."dad…you ok?  what are you doing out here?  it looks like you're talking to someone."

i sat down, and he took a seat across from me…and he told me something that i will never ever forget.

"baby doll, i'm not scared to die…but sometimes it is so overwhelming.  sometimes it hurts when i think about leaving the people i love.  it hurts to think about why i have this, and why it's not getting better.   i know God can heal me, and i trust Him, but sometimes, the pain i feel from everything feels unbearable.  when that happens, the only thing that brings me peace is to say His name….  and so i was.  i was yelling his name to the sky, Jesus Jesus Jesus.

and the more i say it, the closer i feel, the more peace i have."

my dad went to heaven about 5 months later.  

losing him was honestly, the most heartbreaking experience of my life.  

the last thing he told me was that he loved me, that i was special, and that he would see me in heaven. 

i often think about why it is that i ponder on his illness and death so much. 

am i over it?  do i still long for him?  

and i've come to realize that the reason is this...

that the most heartbreaking experience of my life, taught me more than i could have ever imagined.  that the lessons that i learned throughout that difficult times, are lessons that help me through so many of the days that i am privileged to live on this earth.  that those lessons keep giving, and i keep learning…from such a painful time. 

it's ironic isn't it?  and i think that as much as i would want my dad back with me, that i would never want to lose all the knowledge i have gained and the lessons that i have learned…and i know that he wouldn't want me to either.  

i know for some, that this is an extremely difficult time of life. 

in my own life, i am at a place that is not fun at all.  my smile some days, feels that is contradicts the pain that i feel so deep within my heart…and i find that when it feels that the pain cannot get any worse…when i am overwhelmed with feelings that i cannot even put a name to, that i remember my sweet daddy, standing out on that patio, waving his hands….teaching me.

when there is nowhere else to lay the pain...

no where else to feel understood...

when there is nothing left to say - there is...

just one word...


try it.

….i wrote this blog post earlier today.  struggling with sadness and feelings of my own.  

tonight we lost another beautiful soul.  a soul who i took senior photos and engagement pictures.  i love her family...there are no words…no explanations...

i called my big brother tonight...

"i'm so empty," i said...

and he told me…."when  you are so empty that your faith seems gone, let me have it for you.  you don't have to have it all….fake it til' you make it sis….you will make it…"

dear jesus in heaven, the only thing left to say is "jesus."